How to help someone in an abusive relationship
Terry Kriz
Domestic violence for most people is something we know exists but it’s hard to understand or grasp if you haven’t gone through it yourself. Same with losing a loved one, or disease , it is hard to find the right things to say or the right things to do to help the other person feel supported. Except this time it’s completely different because the solution to the problem seems so simple: “Why can’t they just leave?”
We might want to pull the person away, shake them up and take them far away from the abuser, and we get frustrated about the lack of willingness to leave the abusive partner. Or,maybe worse, we freeze up and turn away and ignore any problems. Of course none of this is helpful, and despite of our best intentions we might make the situation worse or get intoconflict with our abused loved one despite of our desire to help.
It can be hard to tell when someone is in an abusive relationship, sometimes the line between unhealthy and abusive is hard to define. Especially when the person in the relationship is dealing with trauma, guilt, shame, but also love for the abuser. Here are some helpful do’s and don’ts in case you know someone in an abusive relationship. This is not a one-size fits all situation, trust your instincts and in doubt contact your local help services for professional advice, most of all, stay safe.
1. Listen, don’t judge. Victims of abuse already feel badly about themselves for being in this situation. Being in an abusive situation comes with shame, guilt, confusion and an intense feeling of loneliness. It can be so hard opening up about this topic that any sign of judgement or anger may lead to them to get defensive and not open up to you again. So be wary of any comments suggesting judgment.
2. Validate. As mentioned, the person feeling abused likely feels lonely and isolated, also confused about the abuse. Listen, believe what they say and validate that what went on is not okay and not their fault. “I’m sorry to hear this happened to you”, “Whatever think you may have done, this is not your fault”, “You don’t deserve to be treated like this”, “I know this must be hard for you to share, know you’re not alone”, and “I’m here for you if you ever need anything”. Validation is incredibly important because physical and sexual abuse is often intertwined with emotional abuse. The abuser often blames their victim “Look what you made me do” or “If you keep this up I might have to punish you”, “If your friends knew you did so and so they would hate you too”, leaving the victim confused and scared. Validating that the abuse is not their fault is crucial in helping someone that has fallen victim to abuse.
3. Understand that leaving is not always the first (or second) step. In most, if not all cases, it’s not a simple matter of leaving. Aside from hoping for change or love for the abuser, which make leaving already complicated as is, there might be other complications such as economic dependency, children or pets, housing and social repercussions that make someone less inclined to leave. In the worst case there are serious threats made by he abuser that make someone afraid to leave. Pressing someone to leave a relationship when they’re not ready or feel safe to leave do can feel like more abuse and control and may lead your loved one to turn against you, or away from you, further in isolation.
4. How to offer help. You may want to offer help in several forms, offer them to stay with you, to call you when things get bad or help them find professional aid. These things are all okay to do but don’t force it upon them, it is up to them to decide to take you up on your offer or not. You can help them by providing information or phone numbers that can be saved under an alias name. A powerful way to help is to ask what you can specifically do to help them, which keeps them in control of their needs. Comments like “I told you that you could call why didn’t you?” can come across as criticism more than helpfulness so be careful how you phrase things. A better alternative is “I’m sorry that happened to you, if this happens again remember you can always call me”. Keep in mind leaving might not always be a possibility in case of domestic and lead to worse repercussions upon returning. [Exception: When you witness acute violence you should call 112/911 or your national equivalent]
5. Be careful when checking up on them. When checking up be careful about what you write in text or what you say on the phone, it is possible that the abuser is listening in or has access to their phone and can read past conversations. You can decide on code so you can communicate danger, not being in the room alone and not being at liberty to speak. Take their privacy seriously, don’t talk about the abuse with other people without the permission of the victim as information might end up in places where it does more harm than good.
6. Take care of yourself too. Lastly, knowing your loved one is in an abusive relationship can be one of the hardest things to witness. It can be sad frustrating and you might experience your own feelings of guilt and shame, loss of control. Remember you an only do your part, it is not your relationship and take breaks when you need them. We all make mistakes, trust yourself you are doing the best you can and don’t be too hard on yourself about things that could’ve gone differently. You are not alone too.