Interview with our new therapist, mike
Our free online drop-in for men who have experienced sexual violence restarts every monday from September 4th.
We took some time to interview Mike, our new psychotherapist, who shared with us some tips for guys who have experienced sexual assault. You can join the drop-in online via Whereby.com/menaswell between 17:00 and 19:00 every Monday from 4th September.
Hey Mike! Tell us a bit about yourself.
I’m very happy to! Ive been living live in Amsterdam for almost 4 years now and ultimately it’s my ambition for me and my husband to become Dutch citizens - we love it here. I’m learning Dutch, but for now Im only working in English - but also have some Spanish, French, and Italian. Before Amsterdam I’ve lived in London for many years, as well as Paris, Barcelona and Sydney - I’m a real city junky - and I’m especially drawn to the way cities give me the opportunity to live my best Queer life - which just keeps evolving.
Your background is focused on the LGBTQIA+ community. What have your learned from this group during your career?
Within my academic life we’ll often use the term Gender Sex and Relationship Diverse (GSRD) and there’s one really significant thing I’ve recognised within the LGBTQIA+ community that the whole world could learn from - that is, diversity being a means to living an authentic life. Growing up we become aware that our stories aren’t exactly the same as other people’s stories, and so we can start with something of a blank page, with an opportunity to try different narratives, and tell our tale with a more authentic voice. I think we’ve all recognised those moments in our lives when we just feel we’re now speaking with a truer voice. That’s something about our community that I find endlessly inspiring.
You’re about to start running our drop-in for men who’ve experienced sexual assault. Can you tell us why the drop-in is so important?
The more our community talks about this issue the more our community becomes stronger - and the work MenAsWell is doing with this is so important. We’ve seen the LGBTQIA+ step forward and claim so much in terms of respect and empowerment over the years and this is another important step that we can all contribute to.
What can people expect from the drop-in?
The first and foremost thing with the drop-in is it’s a safe place. For a number of years I’ve run a similar programme for people dealing with grief. The range of ways people want to communicate what’s going on for them is very interesting - some people maintain a sing sing voice throughout because that’s how they can cope best - holding onto those social norms of being ‘up-beat’ in the face of great pain. Some people really don’t want to use many words at all - the shared space with another person listening is what matters. So the drop-in primarily will offer you a ‘you shaped space ‘ if that makes sense. We can chat for up to an hour - it can be very tiring to talk about something so personal so it’s good to manage that, but many people don’t need, or want, that long - even 15, 20 minutes can help someone access to their own resources - because so often that’s where we find the resilience we need, within our own lived experience and our existing coping strategies.
Do you have any tips for people who are unsure if what happened to them was bad enough to be sexual violence?
I was talking earlier about the positive side of growing up with a story that’s different to others - but of course there’s a more challenging side to that too. Growing up ‘different’ we can become instinctively aware that maybe it’s not safe to tell our story to the people around us. We fear that friends and family may not like what we have to say - so we can get very skilled at not saying things that really matter. We learn to ‘withhold’ part of ourselves because that seems safest. But that withholding of our story can sometimes then lead people to ‘de-value’ their own story. We can come up with any number of false reasons why our story doesn’t merit the telling. So the invite from Men As Well is to make sure you’re not de-valuing your story. The drop-in is a really safe place to find out what telling your story feels like. Come along and tell just as much or as little as feels right for you. Then YOU can be the best judge of what your experiences mean, and what you want to do with your story once you explore its acknowledged value.
Do you have any tips to help ground anyone who has experienced sexual assault?
One of the worst things about experiences like this is the way that often it impacts as a disconnection or a ‘rupture’. We can feel ruptured from trust in others, ruptured from trust in ourselves, and ruptured from the world. There’s a real temptation to close down and shelter in isolation - that might feel like a safer place for you. But what I’m always looking for when I’m working with people is ‘meaningful connections’. Who is there out there in whom there’s even a little bit of trust? Enough trust to perhaps just tell a little of your story. It can start really small - and you can judge just how comfortable you are with that - and when you feel comfortable enough, look for another connection. We are social animals - evolution built us to be a part of a community through connections and that can help reconnect us with strengths - so my best tip is always be alert to re-establishing and repair links to your world when you judge best you can.
You can visit Mike’s website at: www.minstertherapy.com